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A bi-weekly compilation of the latest outrageous, sometimes humorous, 
quotes in the liberal media.

April Fools Edition
April 1, 1999

Tell a friend about this site

(Vol. Twelve; No. 7)  


Reporting Live from Hillary's Toes

"As the First Lady methodically explores entering the Senate race, sir, the Democratic Party in New York hasn't experienced this sort of giddy expectation since Robert Kennedy three decades ago. Along with your impressive survival, would her election signal the beginning of a governing dynasty that would rival the Kennedys in glamour and brain power?"
-- CNN senior White House reporter Wolf Blitzer to Bill Clinton, April 1 press conference.


Horrendous Geraldo

"I don't know what it is about Al Gore, but I just can't get too excited about him. He's just not sexy. I like that he's stood beside my man all throughout the Lewinsky scandal, but he's just too boring. I think I would like him better if I found out he'd cheated on Tipper with a staffer a couple of times."
-- CNBC's Rivera Live, April 1.

"With all due respect to Hillary, I have to say no woman has been more tormented by Ken Starr than Susan McDougal. I admire Susan's strength through all this. I say we petition the Vatican right now to name her the Patron Saint of the Wrongfully Accused. Susan, if you are watching, keep the faith, girl! I love you Susan!"
-- Going to a commercial break on CNBC's Rivera Live, April 1.

"The treacherous Tripp tried to trap her nemesis Bill Clinton. Sources who have talked only to me tell me that in a tape withheld by Ken Starr, Tripp urged Lewinsky not only to save the infamous dress, but to use some of our President's DNA material to get herself pregnant so she could bring down the President with a love child. Hello, good evening and welcome to Rivera Live. Tonight we'll talk to Lanny Davis about whether Tripp has outdone herself in treachery and why Ken Starr is covering it up."
-- Geraldo Rivera, April 1.

Diane Dimond: "So Geraldo, tell the truth. Who do you dislike more: Ken Starr or OJ?"
Geraldo Rivera: "Let's see. Both were ruthless and relentless in their attacks, both abused the law, both were sex-obsessed in their own way. Also both abused women, Nicole in OJ's case and Susan McDougal in Starr's case. Well, Ken Starr never killed anyone, so I'd have to give the slight edge to OJ. Oh no, wait a minute! Starr does have a dead body on his hands, poor Jim McDougal! I'd have to call this one a draw."
-- CNBC's Upfront Tonight, April 1.


The Serbian Shutdown

"Slobodan Milosevic had the audacity to cross the line in Kosovo, but he is clearly no student of Bill Clinton. He thought he could just shut down the government in Pristina and count on weakness, a fit of hubris not unlike the congressional Republicans' struggles to shut down the government in 1995. If he wants to avoid further international embarrassment, Milosevic ought to put away his Newt Gingrich impersonation and come to the peace table now, or risk ending up like Gingrich, in early retirement. Clinton's Comeback Kid crackdown, his shower of strength on Slobodan, is the political play of the week."
-- CNN political analyst William Schneider on the April 1 Inside Politics.

"Here is another example of what President Clinton has learned from the hard-right Republican drive to force him from office. Clinton has cleared the way for Janet Reno to send that overzealous, out-of-control, hidden-agenda, Monica-mother-muscling Republican special prosecutor to Belgrade as a special envoy. An editor's note: This mission will be especially helpful if Starr sticks very close to Slobodan Milosevic and his generals when NATO jet fighters target the enemy leaders' compound."
-- Dan Rather, April 1 CBS Evening News.


NBC's Restrictive Definition of "News Judgment"

"Three weeks ago, John, I told you this was 'dead serious.' And this only adds to it, this latest New York Times story about how the research assistant hired by Wen Ho Lee has disappeared. The FBI just can't find him, John. But NBC News hasn't done a thing on it. No one in New York cares what I think. They're all too involved in trying to figure out why Murdoch's right-wing news network beats this one in the ratings. Their answer, I've heard: More Time & Again repeats."
-- NBC News VP and Washington Bureau Chief Tim Russert on Chinese espionage, to MSNBC's John Hockenberry, April 1.

"It is now Day Eight of the NATO assault on Kosovo, but still NBC News refuses to air any reports on it. Asked if he was spiking the news, NBC News President Andy Lack was quick to deny the charge. 'We want to insure that this is rock-solid journalism, like we did in delaying our Juanita Broaddrick interview for weeks,' he maintained in citing the need to verify the credibility of the reported war."
-- Washington Post media reporter Howard Kurtz in an April 1 story.


Consider the Totality of the Man

"Look, John, I'm not saying the charge of rape is not serious. But I think if you want to be fair you have to look at Bill Clinton in the totality of his actions. Even if you believe these 20 year old allegations, you have to stack that up against what he's done for women in the public policy arena. He's been wonderful on issues of health for women ranging from breast cancer to abortion rights. I think even Ms. Broaddrick, a health care worker herself, would applaud the President's actions, outside of his personal life."
-- Newsweek's Eleanor Clift on the April 1 McLaughlin Group.


Where's Your Test Tube, Sam?

"Sam Donaldson ought to get a rabies shot for his distempered drilling of the President over a 20-year-old rumor of a sexual assault, a case so flimsy that no jury would wait until a bathroom break to dismiss it. Sam appears eager to be this year's Jackie Judd, breathlessly forwarding an unsubstantiated sex story about Bill Clinton without definitive evidence. This kind of he-said, she-said spectacle should never have made it to air or ink without DNA evidence."
-- Brill's Content publisher Steven Brill on Fox News Sunday, April 1.


Hail to Thee, Queen of History!

"We are joined tonight by acclaimed presidential historian, NBC News contributor, author, baseball expert, friend of the program, and former Johnson aide Doris Kearns Goodwin. Her next project is a biography of our sixteenth president, Abraham Lincoln. She is with us tonight from Boston. Good evening, Doris. Thanks for coming on the air with this evening. Let's begin with an issue I know is close to your heart: Is FDR really God?"
-- MSNBC's News with Brian Williams, April 1.


McPaper's Deep Thinker

"Don King tells me the Lewis-Holyfield rematch will be the biggest event in all of human history, bigger even than the Second World War. I doubt Winston Churchill would disagree... Suzanne Somers' latest book is a real page turner. Suzanne tells me eating healthy is important in living a full life. She is terrific at what she does, and what she does is look great...Saw Police Academy 8 again the other night on cable. Steve Guttenberg is really one of the most underappreciated actors in Hollywood...Watching the bloodshed in Kosovo unfold, I began to think back to the good old days of the impeachment trial and it made me remember how much I hate that wacko Bob Barr."
-- Larry King's USA Today column, April 1.


Catch Clinton at the Improv

"I'm astounded by Clinton's wit and grace. After more than a year of pounding from Starr's storm troopers, his ability to keep his sense of humor is remarkable. His jokes at the dinner were hilarious. I mean, usually making fun of increasing the threat of nuclear annihilation is just death in a comedy bit, but somehow Clinton made it work. His 'Leaving Los Alamos' line was simply brilliant. I'm still laughing."
-- U.S. News & World Report owner Mortimer Zuckerman on PBS's Charlie Rose, April 1.


Purple Stain, Purple Stain

"Indeed, after Clinton leaves office, he should enter show business -- not as the head of a movie studio, but as a musician. His talent, mind you, is by no means limited to the saxophone. Last year, when he played guitar and drums in his African hotel room to celebrate the dismissal of Paula Jones' lawsuit, he reminded many observers of another one-man band and political visionary whose uninhibited behavior has broadened our concept of sex: the artist formerly known as Prince."
-- Senior Writer Jonathan Alter, April 1 Newsweek.


Clinton, Our Lord and Savior

"The people Stephanopoulos counted as friends now saw a man transformed into a three-million-dollar Judas, selling out the mentor he walked with for years. He took a seat in the ABC studios and handed Republicans the nails for Clinton's impeachment crucifix. The war room's brooding pessimist had become his own worst nightmare. How could George ignore the intense pain his disloyalty inflicted on his fellow apostles? Stephanopoulos no doubt rejects the Judas analogy. He may think he is smarter and richer, but he is no better."
-- Washington Post reporter John F. Harris, April 1.


Conservatives Are Not Allowed to Protest Atrocious Boxing Judges

"Finally tonight, a word about Holyfield and Lewis. Not about the decision, but instead about the ridiculous over-reaction of those who have no right to suddenly claim outrage or expertise. Since the fight, assorted gadflies who wouldn't know Sugar Ray from Doris Day are now claiming the bout signals boxing's demise. Legislators who can't or won't address problems in the real world, are staging hearings to assuage their own egos. And right-wing newspapers that care little for social injustices suffered by millions, are suddenly claiming outrage over the sporting injustice suffered by poor Lennox Lewis."
-- Bryant Gumbel on HBO's Real Sports, March 22. This quote is real. We didn't make it up like all the rest.

April Fools Notable Quotables staff:
ABC Historical consultant: Doris Kearns Goodwin
CNN Historical consultant: Doris Kearns Goodwin
MSNBC Historical consultant: Doris Kearns Goodwin
NBC Historical consultant: Doris Kearns Goodwin
PBS Historical consultant: Doris Kearns Goodwin
Hysterical consultant: Sarah McClendon
Rewriting history consultant: Al Gore

April Fools!

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