Reporting Live from Hillary's
"As the First Lady methodically explores
entering the Senate race, sir, the Democratic Party in New York hasn't
experienced this sort of giddy expectation since Robert Kennedy three decades
ago. Along with your impressive survival, would her election signal the
beginning of a governing dynasty that would rival the Kennedys in glamour and
-- CNN senior White House reporter Wolf Blitzer to Bill Clinton, April 1
"I don't know what it is about Al Gore,
but I just can't get too excited about him. He's just not sexy. I like that
he's stood beside my
man all throughout the Lewinsky scandal, but he's just too boring. I think I
would like him better if I found out he'd cheated on Tipper with a staffer a
couple of times."
-- CNBC's Rivera Live, April 1.
"With all due respect to Hillary, I have to say no woman has been more
tormented by Ken Starr than Susan McDougal. I admire Susan's strength through
all this. I say we petition the Vatican right now to name her the Patron Saint
of the Wrongfully Accused. Susan, if you are watching, keep the faith, girl! I
love you Susan!"
-- Going to a commercial break on CNBC's Rivera Live, April 1.
"The treacherous Tripp tried to trap her nemesis Bill Clinton. Sources
who have talked only to me tell me that in a tape withheld by Ken Starr, Tripp
urged Lewinsky not only to save the infamous dress, but to use some of our
President's DNA material to get herself pregnant so she could bring down the
President with a love child. Hello, good evening and welcome to Rivera Live.
Tonight we'll talk to Lanny Davis about whether Tripp has outdone herself in
treachery and why Ken Starr is covering it up."
-- Geraldo Rivera, April 1.
Diane Dimond: "So Geraldo, tell the truth. Who do you
dislike more: Ken Starr or OJ?"
Geraldo Rivera: "Let's see. Both were ruthless and
relentless in their attacks, both abused the law, both were sex-obsessed in
their own way. Also both abused women, Nicole in OJ's case and Susan McDougal
in Starr's case. Well, Ken Starr never killed anyone, so I'd have to give the
slight edge to OJ. Oh no, wait a minute! Starr does have a dead body on his
hands, poor Jim McDougal! I'd have to call this one a draw."
-- CNBC's Upfront Tonight, April 1.
The Serbian Shutdown
"Slobodan Milosevic had the audacity to
cross the line in Kosovo, but he is clearly no student of Bill Clinton. He
thought he could just shut down the government in Pristina and count on
weakness, a fit of hubris not unlike the congressional Republicans' struggles
to shut down the government in 1995. If he wants to avoid further
international embarrassment, Milosevic ought to put away his Newt Gingrich
impersonation and come to the peace table now, or risk ending up like
Gingrich, in early retirement. Clinton's Comeback Kid crackdown, his shower of
strength on Slobodan, is the political play of the week."
-- CNN political analyst William Schneider on the April 1 Inside
"Here is another example of what President Clinton has learned from the
hard-right Republican drive to force him from office. Clinton has cleared the
way for Janet Reno to send that overzealous, out-of-control, hidden-agenda,
Monica-mother-muscling Republican special prosecutor to Belgrade as a special
envoy. An editor's note: This mission will be especially helpful if Starr
sticks very close to Slobodan Milosevic and his generals when NATO jet
fighters target the enemy leaders' compound."
-- Dan Rather, April 1 CBS Evening News.
NBC's Restrictive Definition of
"Three weeks ago, John, I told you this
was 'dead serious.' And this only adds to it, this latest New York Times story
about how the research assistant hired by Wen Ho Lee has disappeared. The FBI
just can't find him, John. But NBC News hasn't done a thing on it. No one in
New York cares what I think. They're all too involved in trying to figure out
why Murdoch's right-wing news network beats this one in the ratings. Their
answer, I've heard: More Time & Again repeats."
-- NBC News VP and Washington Bureau Chief Tim Russert on Chinese
espionage, to MSNBC's John Hockenberry, April 1.
"It is now Day Eight of the NATO assault on Kosovo, but still NBC News
refuses to air any reports on it. Asked if he was spiking the news, NBC News
President Andy Lack was quick to deny the charge. 'We want to insure that this
is rock-solid journalism, like we did in delaying our Juanita Broaddrick
interview for weeks,' he maintained in citing the need to verify the
credibility of the reported war."
-- Washington Post media reporter Howard Kurtz in an April 1 story.
Consider the Totality of the Man
"Look, John, I'm not saying the charge of
rape is not serious. But I think if you want to be fair you have to look at
Bill Clinton in the totality of his actions. Even if you believe these 20 year
old allegations, you have to stack that up against what he's done for women in
the public policy arena. He's been wonderful on issues of health for women
ranging from breast cancer to abortion rights. I think even Ms. Broaddrick, a
health care worker herself, would applaud the President's actions, outside of
his personal life."
-- Newsweek's Eleanor Clift on the April 1 McLaughlin Group.
Where's Your Test Tube, Sam?
"Sam Donaldson ought to get a rabies shot
for his distempered drilling of the President over a 20-year-old rumor of a
sexual assault, a case so flimsy that no jury would wait until a bathroom
break to dismiss it. Sam appears eager to be this year's Jackie Judd,
breathlessly forwarding an unsubstantiated sex story about Bill Clinton
without definitive evidence. This kind of he-said, she-said spectacle should
never have made it to air or ink without DNA evidence."
-- Brill's Content publisher Steven Brill on Fox News Sunday, April
Hail to Thee, Queen of History!
"We are joined tonight by acclaimed
presidential historian, NBC News contributor, author, baseball expert, friend
of the program, and former Johnson aide Doris Kearns Goodwin. Her next project
is a biography of our sixteenth president, Abraham Lincoln. She is with us
tonight from Boston. Good evening, Doris. Thanks for coming on the air with
this evening. Let's begin with an issue I know is close to your heart: Is FDR
-- MSNBC's News with Brian Williams, April 1.
McPaper's Deep Thinker
"Don King tells me the Lewis-Holyfield
rematch will be the biggest event in all of human history, bigger even than
the Second World War. I doubt Winston Churchill would disagree... Suzanne
Somers' latest book is a real page turner. Suzanne tells me eating healthy is
important in living a full life. She is terrific at what she does, and what
she does is look great...Saw Police Academy 8 again the other night on cable.
Steve Guttenberg is really one of the most underappreciated actors in
Hollywood...Watching the bloodshed in Kosovo unfold, I began to think back to
the good old days of the impeachment trial and it made me remember how much I
hate that wacko Bob Barr."
-- Larry King's USA Today column, April 1.
Catch Clinton at the Improv
"I'm astounded by Clinton's wit and grace.
After more than a year of pounding from Starr's storm troopers, his ability to
keep his sense of humor is remarkable. His jokes at the dinner were hilarious.
I mean, usually making fun of increasing the threat of nuclear annihilation is
just death in a comedy bit, but somehow Clinton made it work. His 'Leaving Los
Alamos' line was simply brilliant. I'm still laughing."
-- U.S. News & World Report owner Mortimer Zuckerman on PBS's Charlie
Rose, April 1.
Purple Stain, Purple Stain
"Indeed, after Clinton leaves office, he
should enter show business -- not as the head of a movie studio, but as a
musician. His talent, mind you, is by no means limited to the saxophone. Last
year, when he played guitar and drums in his African hotel room to celebrate
the dismissal of Paula Jones' lawsuit, he reminded many observers of another
one-man band and political visionary whose uninhibited behavior has broadened
our concept of sex: the artist formerly known as Prince."
-- Senior Writer Jonathan Alter, April 1 Newsweek.
Clinton, Our Lord and Savior
"The people Stephanopoulos counted as
friends now saw a man transformed into a three-million-dollar Judas, selling
out the mentor he walked with for years. He took a seat in the ABC studios and
handed Republicans the nails for Clinton's impeachment crucifix. The war
room's brooding pessimist had become his own worst nightmare. How could George
ignore the intense pain his disloyalty inflicted on his fellow apostles?
Stephanopoulos no doubt rejects the Judas analogy. He may think he is smarter
and richer, but he is no better."
-- Washington Post reporter John F. Harris, April 1.
Conservatives Are Not Allowed to
Protest Atrocious Boxing Judges
"Finally tonight, a word about Holyfield
and Lewis. Not about the decision, but instead about the ridiculous
over-reaction of those who have no right to suddenly claim outrage or
expertise. Since the fight, assorted gadflies who wouldn't know Sugar Ray from
Doris Day are now claiming the bout signals boxing's demise. Legislators who
can't or won't address problems in the real world, are staging hearings to
assuage their own egos. And right-wing newspapers that care little for social
injustices suffered by millions, are suddenly claiming outrage over the
sporting injustice suffered by poor Lennox Lewis."
-- Bryant Gumbel on HBO's Real Sports, March 22. This quote is real.
We didn't make it up like all the rest.
April Fools Notable Quotables
ABC Historical consultant: Doris Kearns Goodwin
CNN Historical consultant: Doris Kearns Goodwin
MSNBC Historical consultant: Doris Kearns Goodwin
NBC Historical consultant: Doris Kearns Goodwin
PBS Historical consultant: Doris Kearns Goodwin
Hysterical consultant: Sarah McClendon
Rewriting history consultant: Al Gore
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