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A bi-weekly compilation of the latest outrageous, sometimes humorous, 
quotes in the liberal media.

April 1, 2000 | April Fools Edition

(Vol. Thirteen; No. 7)  

No Temple Tantrums, Please

"Come on, Bob. Al Gore and Buddhist temples go together about as well as Bob Jones and communion wafers."
-- Time’s Margaret Carlson on CNN’s Capital Gang, April 1.

We Need a Love Pope

"Pope John Paul made peace and tolerance among religions the focus of his visit to the Middle East. Twenty-two years into his remarkable tenure, many people wonder how much more weight his moral stature could bring to promoting peace over a woman’s right to choose and tolerance among differing sexual orientations. If only his love could face the hate and intolerance that remains."
-- ABC anchor Peter Jennings in his e-mail promoting the April 1 World News Tonight.

Perfect Passage to India

"While others fight to succeed him, Bill Clinton simply succeeds, glowing above angry partisan politics like a rainbow above storm clouds. While Bush and McCain debated who was the true reformer, the President quietly advanced landmark anti-gun legislation and the third balanced budget in a row. While Gore and Bradley called each other names, Clinton was calling foreign leaders, advancing the cause of peace. Yet when asked this week if in fact he is the real reformer, the ever-modest President only chuckled, saying historians will sort it out years from now."
-- Chris Black on CNN’s The World Today, April 1.

Hostile Takeover of Stocks

"The stock market has been extremely volatile lately, and the huge price swings are playing havoc on the retirement plans of countless baby boomers. Isn’t it about time, some would say long overdue, for the federal government to start regulating stock prices, to prevent these stomach-churning swings we’ve seen so much of lately?"
-- Co-host Jane Clayson interviewing Treasury Secretary Lawrence Summers on CBS’s The Early Show, April 1.

Giuliani, Brutal White Dwarf

"Much like the sun casts its warmth and brilliance over the Earth, Hillary Rodham Clinton’s star is by far the brightest in the political firmament -- a supernova compared with the white dwarf that is New York’s pugnacious and parochial mayor, Rudolph Giuliani."
-- Dan Rather on CBS’s 48 Hours, April 1.

Ever Lovable Bryant

"You yourself realize that George W. Bush sold his soul to the sons of the Confederacy in South Carolina, aligning himself with the far-right extremists, the bigots who don’t want to wake up to people like me on TV. But now you won’t mount an independent challenge you must know we in the media would all get behind. Why?" 
-- Bryant Gumbel to John McCain on CBS’s The Early Show, April 1.

"Now a matter of national importance -- some would say international because it’s making this country an international laughing stock -- the sad lack of gun control. Some have said the NRA stands for ‘Negro Removal Association’ because so many inner city children are gunned down without laws the NRA opposes. But today, the group’s figurehead, aging Planet of the Apes star Charlton Heston, is attacking Bill Clinton, even getting personal and calling the President a liar. Mr. Heston, good morning. Given that your group opposes even common-sense gun control that could save lives, who do you think the public should believe, you or the President of the United States?"
-- Bryant Gumbel, same show.

No More Kennedy Types?

"It has been revealed today that Massachusetts Republican Senate candidate Jack E. Robinson, who is challenging incumbent Senator Ted Kennedy, has a checkered past with charges of drunk driving, sexual misconduct, and unwanted kissing. Issue: Is this the kind of man Massachusetts voters want to represent them in the U.S. Senate?" 
-- CNN anchor Bernard Shaw introducing an April 1 Inside Politics story.

Devastating Blows Never Thrown

Tim Russert: "First, your fundraiser Maria Hsia is convicted on five counts of campaign-finance violations. Then, the Los Angeles Times reported that former Justice Department investigator Charles LaBella said Janet Reno’s Justice Department used a double standard in failing to appoint an independent counsel to investigate you. Now, a new congressional inquiry has exposed that all your incoming and outgoing e-mail was hidden from subpoenas. Isn’t this a devastating array of ethical blows?"
Al Gore: "Not if Tom Brokaw keeps failing to report on any of it."
-- Exchange on NBC’s Meet the Press, April 1.

Elian Go Home!

"But Fidel Castro has really done so much for the Cuban people, though. Free health care. You can’t even buy a handgun in Cuba. And you don’t have to be the President to enjoy a good cigar there. Little Elian should be fighting to get back home and away from these right-wing zealots who are trying to keep him entrapped in Miami."
-- CNBC host Geraldo Rivera on Elian Gonzalez, April 1 Upfront Tonight.

Shriver Shoots Her Mouth Off

"Just in the last week we had a 12-year-old march into a classroom with a gun. According to Marian Wright Edelman’s statistics, 100,000 children are killed or scared by a gun every week. It’s no longer safe to send my children to school anymore. Children are dying in the hallways of our schools! Mr. Heston, many want to know how many more children must die before you get out of the way and let us, uh, let the Congress pass meaningful gun control?"
-- NBC Today substitute host Maria Shriver to NRA President Charlton Heston, April 1.

"I’m sorry, Matt, I just have to say this. I think it’s really appalling what NRA chief Wayne LaPierre said. To accuse the President or anyone of exploiting the death of children for personal gain is just unbelievable. It’s sad how low some people will stoop. Anyway, coming up next -- part four of Katie’s exclusive interview with the Ramseys."
-- Shriver, same show.

Al Gore, Strategic Genius

"It is part of New Democrat Al Gore’s winning strategy, and it is the Political Play of the Week. A top Gore aide reiterated the Vice President’s promise to allow gays to serve openly in the military. The idea has overwhelming support in the gay community with 94 percent supporting the proposal. Bullseye!"
-- CNN political analyst William Schneider, April 1 Inside Politics.

"George W. Bush hopes to make a priority of increased military spending to deal with threats from terrorism, nuclear proliferation and rogue states in an increasingly multipolar world. Uh oh, it appears Bush is once again tacking to the right, the graveyard of Republican presidential candidates. Has he forgotten about the all powerful ‘soccer moms’? If Bush doesn’t soften his hawkish image and move back to the center, he may face a threat greater than a terrorist. Hell hath no fury like a soccer mom scorned." 
-- Schneider, later in the same show.

They’re Saying Clinton Lied?

"Under withering fire today, President Clinton shot back today at the gun lobby for their extreme tactics. At issue: new ads citing so-called ‘facts’ to prove the Clinton administration’s lax enforcement of gun laws. The ads go so far as to imply that the President, quote, ‘has lied,’ unquote."
-- Dan Rather, April 1 CBS Evening News.

Bill’s Beau Geste

"One healing gesture Clinton might consider before leaving office: forming a bipartisan commission on presidential sexual needs, which would set clear guidelines for future chief executives who find themselves in desiccated marriages, but wish to avoid sordid, Lewinskyesque entanglements. Since Clinton himself would not benefit from the commission’s efforts, virtually everyone, save his most dyed-in-the-wool right-wing enemies, would have to see such an initiative as entirely altruistic."
-- Newsweek’s Jonathan Alter reporting for MSNBC’s The News with Brian Williams, April 1.

Rudy’s Artistic Achievement

"As New York’s malevolent Mayor, Rudolph Giuliani, rains rancor on the innocent Diallos and Dorismonds his police assassinate, Hans Haacke’s new exhibit ‘Sanitation’ could not arrive at the Whitney Museum at a better time. Haacke’s puckish and poetic melange of Giuliani screeds against subsidized artistry in Hitlerian fonts, posted behind garbage cans and goose-stepping sound effects, is truly transgressive. Hizzoner’s peevish paper-hanger putsch of earthy Virgin Marys and his Keystone Khmer Rouge blur into a portrait of a latter-day Munich gone mad."
-- CBS art and TV critic John Leonard on Sunday Morning, April 1.

Very Entertaining Abortionists

"My pick for best picture is The Cider House Rules. I was deeply moved by this heartwarming tale of an enthusiastic but initially misguided Homer Wells, who’s displeased by Dr. Wilbur Larch providing abortions. But after a rowdy romp in the hay with the delectable Charlize Theron, Homer comes to his senses. Particularly stirring was the scene where a blood-stained Michael Caine nobly ‘plays God’ in terminating a pregnancy while outside, adorable orphans are at play. Take a friend and show them that every child should be a wanted child. Thank God Planned Parenthood is screening this film! Everyone should see this feel-good movie of the year!"
-- Newsweek film critic David Ansen making his Oscar picks, April 1 issue.