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April 1, 2006

(Vol. Nineteen; No. 7)

April Fools Edition!
Ready for America’s Surrender

"Good evening, I’m Bob Schieffer. Activist Cindy Sheehan and a group of about 20 protesters gathered at the White House today to demand U.S. troops leave Iraq. Is this finally the tipping point that forces President Bush to admit we’ve lost the war? Tonight, my exclusive interview with that inspirational ex-Marine, Congressman John Murtha."
— Schieffer beginning the April 1 CBS Evening News.

 | |

Zing! Score One for Saddam

"Richard, the pajama-clad Saddam Hussein showed up at his trial this morning and announced George W. Bush is the real tyrant. Of course, Saddam and his cronies are charged with atrocities, but many point out a lot of innocent Iraqi civilians have died as a result of Mr. Bush’s illegal war. So when Saddam calls the President a tyrant, don’t most Iraqis see this as a case of it takes one to know one?
— MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann to Baghdad correspondent Richard Engel on the April 1 Countdown.

| |

We’re Scarier Than the Ayatollahs
"The situation in Tehran appears grim, with the Iranians getting ever closer to building their first nuclear bomb. But in America, we have thousands of nukes ready for action. In the past five years, the United States has invaded two countries. Iran hasn’t launched a war against anybody...."
[To General Peter Pace] "What kind of example does it set when we demand Iran not build nukes, but we still possess thousands of such weapons. Shouldn’t we disarm first?"
— CBS’s Mike Wallace on 60 Minutes, April 1.
Saddam: Tanned, Rested & Ready

Christiane Amanpour: "As Iraq spirals downward into an abyss of violence, it seems ironic that the man perhaps most able to bring peace to Iraq is fighting for his life before a kangaroo court. In court, Saddam Hussein has been defiant and fearless, courage that’s earned him the respect and admiration of all factions. People talk openly of the nostalgia they have for the days under his rule when Sunnis, Shias and Kurds lived in peace and harmony."

 | |

Anderson Cooper: "Christiane, you say Saddam is respected by the Iraqi people, but the administration points to the thousands of Iraqis he killed, tortured and brutalized."
Amanpour: "Saddam won more than 99 percent the last time he faced Iraqi voters. It’s highly doubtful he could he get such support if he weren’t loved and respected."
— Exchange on CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360, April 1.
Hillary, Savior of Our Savior

"Last month, Senator Hillary Clinton said Republicans couldn’t rid the country of undocumented immigrants without creating a police state. Then last week, Senator Clinton said conservatives would have kicked Jesus out of the Holy Land for not having the proper paperwork. Yesterday, the aspiring first female President brilliantly put those themes together like cookies and milk, saying Christian conservatives want to create a theocratic police state so rigid and intolerant it wouldn’t have room for Jesus. Bingo! It’s our political Play of the Week."
— CNN senior political analyst Bill Schneider on The Situation Room, April 1.

| |

Time to Lock Up Every Republican

Jack Cafferty: "With all this talk of a culture of corruption swirling around the Republican Party, it’s a wonder the President has an approval rating above 10. Rampant cronyism, ties to disgraced former lobbyist Jack Abramoff, indictments against Tom DeLay and Karl Rove, the–"
Wolf Blitzer: "Jack, Karl Rove hasn’t, hasn’t been indicted."
Cafferty: "Really? I thought that crook was charged in exposing the CIA operative’s identity."

| |

Blitzer: "No, at least not at the moment."
Cafferty: "Well, it’s only a matter of time. Anyway, with all of this going on, Republicans are sure to lose the 2006 midterm elections, big time. The question for this hour: The GOP’s downfall: Is it punishment enough for what they’ve done to America?"
— CNN’s The Situation Room, April 1.
More Jobs = Worst Possible News
Anchor Elizabeth Vargas: "In Washington, the Labor Department reported that the U.S. economy added 470,000 new jobs last month. The Bush administration was quick to claim this was good news, but is it really? We turn now to ABC’s Betsy Stark for some perspective."
Reporter Betsy Stark: "Elizabeth, this may sound like good news, but investors are terribly nervous. More jobs mean fewer people in the unemployment line, and that means unemployment offices will lay off workers. More people with money in their pockets could drive up inflation, and oil prices could soar. And more new homebuyers could mean a further expansion of this huge housing bubble, indicating a possible crash ahead. That could leave a lot of families out on the street, Elizabeth."
— ABC’s World News Tonight, April 1.
Don’t Mess with the Press

Bob Schieffer: "With the President’s approval rating hitting a new all-time low for any President since Franklin Pierce, does anyone there see any bright spot, Jim?"
Jim Axelrod: "Well, some senior officials I talked to at the White House today were near-giddy in pointing out that no matter how low in the polls their boss goes, he can never match the disrepute the public holds for the media. Which I’d note, Bob, is the kind of smart-ass attitude they’ll soon regret, since we always get the last word."
Schieffer: "As well we should. Thanks for that, Jim."
CBS Evening News, April 1.

| |

Bush’s Anorexic Approval
Jessica Yellin: "With President Bush’s job approval ratings continuing to fall to record lows, Republicans on Capitol Hill are starting to fear that the slide won’t stop until after the President’s numbers are in the single digits at the end of his month long vacation in August, Diane."
Diane Sawyer: "Single digits? By summer? I wish I could lose weight that fast."
— ABC’s Good Morning America, April 1.
Exposing Hollywood’s Intolerance
"Call it Backlash Mountain. Spooked by declining box office receipts, Hollywood honchos are aiming to prove they can be as provincial and bloody-minded as any heartland homophobe. In Ang Lee’s masterful Brokeback Mountain, two young men in ’60s-era Wyoming fall into a forbidden relationship and are pulled apart by social pressures. One is beaten to death by thugs. Yet on Oscar Night the Academy cold-cocked this wrenching film in favor of hometown favorite Crash. Perhaps not since the beating death of another gay Shepherd from Wyoming (Remember him? Went by the name Matthew) has there been a less justified assault."
New York Times op-ed columnist and culture section adviser Frank Rich, April 1.
Fidel Homers, Bush Strikes Out
"It’s now an article of faith among conservatives that if something can go wrong for George W. Bush, it probably will. In reality, though, things could be much worse for him — for example, if Cuba had triumphed in the recent World Baseball Classic. A Cuban victory in the WBC would have illuminated the stark contrast between Bush, handed the reins of a mediocre major-league franchise simply because he came from a wealthy, prominent family, and Fidel Castro, who has built a world-class national team over decades of struggle, sanctions, and sacrifice."
— Keith Olbermann on MSNBC’s Countdown, April 1.
Cheney and the F-word Network
"Vice President Cheney’s demand that the fairly unbalanced Fox News Channel be turned on and tuned in everywhere he hangs his hat and pops open a Diet Sprite suggests a new, cleaner retort the next time he’s tempted to curse at Senator Patrick Leahy. It’s so catchy it could be a new jingle: ‘Go Fox Yourself.’"
Washington Post columnist Dana Milbank’s "Washington Sketch," April 1.
Global Warming, Glub, Glub
"This new report on global warming, the most frightening yet. In Greenland and Alaska, scientists say, ice is melting at rates that could see many coastal cities — including Boston, Charleston and right here in New York City — completely under water by this October."
— NBC’s Michelle Kosinski, who gave her report standing in water that came up to her neck, Today, April 1.
Dobbs, Nowhere Left to Ride

"Tonight, the ‘Exporting of America’ continues as another urban tradition is soiled by foreign conglomerates. O’Malley’s Taxicab Company of Manhattan, known and beloved by New Yorkers since 1998, has been approved for sale to Dubai Cabs World, a front company for the United Arab Emirates. Needless to say, this is a critical threat to national security, since this program’s brave correspondents, researchers, and unpaid interns will have no way to get to work, except for the subway....This goes beyond the administration passing the buck on national security. It’s a personal vendetta against our quest for the truth."
— CNN’s Lou Dobbs on his Lou Dobbs Tonight, April 1.

| |

Another Blow for "Tolerance"
Co-host Matt Lauer: "This morning, part seven of our series: tomorrow’s civil rights battles. Polygamists and nudists are all fighting for their right to equality, but there’s another group whose lifestyle has met with a backlash from the ultra-conservative religious right. Some call it bestiality; others refer to it by a slang term: farm animal lovin’. Our Ann Curry has the story of one man’s reluctant crusade."
Ann Curry: "‘Dave’ — not his real name — has always had a special relationship with his sheep, especially with this little guy, Sammy. But Dave and Sammy’s special love has been challenged by strict Christian neighbors who can’t, or won’t, accept their relationship."
Dave: I’m the same as you: I go to the supermarket, I watch the Super Bowl. I just want the same rights as anybody else, and I don’t want the theocracy in my bedroom."
— NBC’s Today, April 1.


April Fools!


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