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April 1, 2006
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(Vol. Nineteen; No. 7) 
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April Fools Edition!
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We’re Scarier Than the
Ayatollahs |
"The situation in Tehran appears grim, with the
Iranians getting ever closer to building their first nuclear bomb. But in
America, we have thousands of nukes ready for action. In the past five years,
the United States has invaded two countries. Iran hasn’t launched a war
against anybody...."
[To General Peter Pace] "What kind of example does it set when we demand Iran
not build nukes, but we still possess thousands of such weapons. Shouldn’t we
disarm first?"
— CBS’s Mike Wallace on 60 Minutes, April 1.
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Time to Lock Up Every
Republican |
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Jack Cafferty: "With all this talk of a culture of corruption swirling
around the Republican Party, it’s a wonder the President has an approval
rating above 10. Rampant cronyism, ties to disgraced former lobbyist Jack
Abramoff, indictments against Tom DeLay and Karl Rove, the–"
Wolf Blitzer: "Jack, Karl Rove hasn’t, hasn’t been indicted."
Cafferty: "Really? I thought that crook was charged in exposing the CIA
operative’s identity."
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Blitzer: "No, at least not at the moment."
Cafferty: "Well, it’s only a matter of time. Anyway, with all of this
going on, Republicans are sure to lose the 2006 midterm elections, big time.
The question for this hour: The GOP’s downfall: Is it punishment enough for
what they’ve done to America?"
— CNN’s The Situation Room, April 1.
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More Jobs = Worst Possible
News |
Anchor Elizabeth Vargas: "In Washington,
the Labor Department reported that the U.S. economy added 470,000 new jobs
last month. The Bush administration was quick to claim this was good news, but
is it really? We turn now to ABC’s Betsy Stark for some perspective."
Reporter Betsy Stark: "Elizabeth, this may sound like good news, but
investors are terribly nervous. More jobs mean fewer people in the
unemployment line, and that means unemployment offices will lay off workers.
More people with money in their pockets could drive up inflation, and oil
prices could soar. And more new homebuyers could mean a further expansion of
this huge housing bubble, indicating a possible crash ahead. That could leave
a lot of families out on the street, Elizabeth."
— ABC’s World News Tonight, April 1.
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Bush’s Anorexic Approval |
Jessica Yellin:
"With President Bush’s job approval ratings continuing to fall to record lows,
Republicans on Capitol Hill are starting to fear that the slide won’t stop
until after the President’s numbers are in the single digits at the end of his
month long vacation in August, Diane."
Diane Sawyer: "Single digits? By summer? I wish I could lose weight
that fast."
— ABC’s Good Morning America, April 1.
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Exposing Hollywood’s
Intolerance |
"Call it Backlash Mountain. Spooked by declining
box office receipts, Hollywood honchos are aiming to prove they can be as
provincial and bloody-minded as any heartland homophobe. In Ang Lee’s
masterful Brokeback Mountain, two young men in ’60s-era Wyoming fall
into a forbidden relationship and are pulled apart by social pressures. One is
beaten to death by thugs. Yet on Oscar Night the Academy cold-cocked this
wrenching film in favor of hometown favorite Crash. Perhaps not since
the beating death of another gay Shepherd from Wyoming (Remember him? Went by
the name Matthew) has there been a less justified assault."
— New York Times op-ed columnist and culture section adviser Frank
Rich, April 1.
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Fidel Homers, Bush Strikes
Out |
"It’s now an article of faith among
conservatives that if something can go wrong for George W. Bush, it probably
will. In reality, though, things could be much worse for him — for example, if
Cuba had triumphed in the recent World Baseball Classic. A Cuban victory in
the WBC would have illuminated the stark contrast between Bush, handed the
reins of a mediocre major-league franchise simply because he came from a
wealthy, prominent family, and Fidel Castro, who has built a world-class
national team over decades of struggle, sanctions, and sacrifice."
— Keith Olbermann on MSNBC’s Countdown, April 1.
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Cheney and the F-word
Network |
"Vice President Cheney’s demand that the fairly
unbalanced Fox News Channel be turned on and tuned in everywhere he hangs his
hat and pops open a Diet Sprite suggests a new, cleaner retort the next time
he’s tempted to curse at Senator Patrick Leahy. It’s so catchy it could be a
new jingle: ‘Go Fox Yourself.’"
— Washington Post columnist Dana Milbank’s "Washington Sketch,"
April 1.
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Global Warming, Glub, Glub |
"This new report on global warming, the most
frightening yet. In Greenland and Alaska, scientists say, ice is melting at
rates that could see many coastal cities — including Boston, Charleston and
right here in New York City — completely under water by this October."
— NBC’s Michelle Kosinski, who gave her report standing in water that came
up to her neck, Today, April 1.
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Dobbs, Nowhere Left to Ride |
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"Tonight, the ‘Exporting of America’ continues as another urban tradition is
soiled by foreign conglomerates. O’Malley’s Taxicab Company of Manhattan,
known and beloved by New Yorkers since 1998, has been approved for sale to
Dubai Cabs World, a front company for the United Arab Emirates. Needless to
say, this is a critical threat to national security, since this program’s
brave correspondents, researchers, and unpaid interns will have no way to get
to work, except for the subway....This goes beyond the administration passing
the buck on national security. It’s a personal vendetta against our quest for
the truth."
— CNN’s Lou Dobbs on his Lou Dobbs Tonight, April 1.
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Another Blow for
"Tolerance" |
Co-host Matt Lauer: "This morning, part
seven of our series: tomorrow’s civil rights battles. Polygamists and nudists
are all fighting for their right to equality, but there’s another group whose
lifestyle has met with a backlash from the ultra-conservative religious right.
Some call it bestiality; others refer to it by a slang term: farm animal lovin’.
Our Ann Curry has the story of one man’s reluctant crusade."
Ann Curry: "‘Dave’ — not his real name — has always had a special
relationship with his sheep, especially with this little guy, Sammy. But Dave
and Sammy’s special love has been challenged by strict Christian neighbors who
can’t, or won’t, accept their relationship."
Dave: I’m the same as you: I go to the supermarket, I watch the Super
Bowl. I just want the same rights as anybody else, and I don’t want the
theocracy in my bedroom."
— NBC’s Today, April 1.
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COMPLAINER-IN-CHIEF: David Gregory
CHIEF OF DOCUMENT DETECTIVES: Dan Rather
EDITOR, LARGE-TYPE RETIREMENT HOME EDITION: Helen Thomas
SENIOR MILITARY CONSULTANT: Cindy Sheehan
FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT: Harry Belafonte
POMPOUS WITHOUT PORTFOLIO: Aaron Brown |
April Fools!
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